merde!

  as i had feared after not hearing from M in quite some time, M, the subject of my film, has gone and gotten himself so famous that’s he’s now committed himself to several international workshops and colloquia and whatnot and so mylittlefilm has slipped far into the background. so that’s one thing. but now, also (hear painfully creaking and rusty industrial materials — the sounds of my interior, affective architecture) M says that he doesn’t want to appear on camera in my film but will help with behind the scenes footage (“making of” stuff he says he won’t distribute on YouTube). and that’s nice, really. very. but i had hoped, so hoped to be doing a conventional documentary and happen upon Maysles-level magical captures and “find” something in my live exchanges w/ M that would make the film and make it worthy of the “feature documentary” category. now, i’ve got a short. and i’ll screen it at C’s, and it will probably be fabulous, but i must admit that i’m fairly well deflated over the whole #$%$#@!!! thing. cursing symbols . . . i know. very mature.

on the bright side, it could be that my disenchantment empowers me with a kind of critical distance i had likely surely been missing until. just. now.